Spongebob Philosophy-Pants

Just as scholars break down classic works of literature in order to further explore the themes and symbolic messages hidden beneath the writer's carefully crafted words, I too enjoy analyzing things in order to discover their inner meaning.

Of course, since I myself do not have any kind of Master's degree in overanalyzing the works of masterminds like William Shakespeare or Edgar Allen Poe, my lowly theories on their works would mean practically nothing to the mighty college graduates above.

But why is it that they only choose to read into classic literature when it has clearly been done to death? Why aren't these scholars analyzing more modern things? Are all modern things really that brainless and stupid or is it possible that even the almighty scholars, amidst all their cognitive glory, haven't even considered such a thing?

Well I say if the professionals won't do it, I will have to do it myself.


Digging Deeper With Nick Lives: The Truth Behind Spongebob

Ah, Spongebob. So many of my childhood years you have provided me with near-mindless entertainment. Now here we meet again, but this time, under a more intellectual light. Spongebob is a funny little invertabrae, there's no doubt about that.

 But is that really all he is? Is Spongebob merely an absorbent goofball with no deeper meaning driving his actions or appearance? Or is it possible that he, along with his other fishy friends, is a very intelligently crafted character whose traits all help form a symbolic representation of something more?

To start, let's take a look at Spongebob's most prevalent feature: his appearance.

Looking at Spongebob, we notice a couple of basic things about his appearance:

1. He is yellow.


2.He is square.

So what can we take away from this? Well for starters, the color yellow (in western culture) symbolizes things like sunshine, happiness, and joy, which seems to fit Spongebob's character pretty well. Although yellow is also often used to symbolize illness, decay, and age.

As for which symbol Spongebob's yellow is supposed to represent, we can't say for sure. Perhaps some of Spongebob's other features will be more revealing.

Next we notice Spongebob's obvious square shape. Although he himself isn't a perfect square per se, his name implies that he is indeed a square, despite any inconsistencies the animators may have with the shape.

Now in geometry, a square is defined as a regular quadrilateral with four equal sides and four right angles. The number four being so prominent here, I looked into some interesting facts about four that would help us better understand Spongebob's form.

"In China, 4 is unlucky because "she" (four) and "shi" (death) sound similar."

Death, huh? Fascinating. Perhaps then, Spongebob's yellow flesh represents not sunshine and happiness like it may first seem, but instead represents decay, age, and illness, as those are things more likely to be related to the symbolic "death" of his square shape.

Oh yeah, and just in case that little China fact didn't win you over the "square = death" theory, it should interest you to know that squares are also often affiliated with the shape of a cross. You know, a CROSS, that thing those people famously crucified that one guy on that one time long ago? Oh, what was his name again?

So now we know that Spongebob's famous yellow square design symbolically represents death, decay, and possibly illness. Where do we go from here?

Next stop: Spongebob's Lifestyle

To be continued when I've had some more time to think about this...

Dance Parties are Silly Willy

Sometimes I feel as though I'm the only sane person left on the planet. Tell me, what exactly is the appeal of paying $5.75 for the privilege to jump up and down in a dark room with flashing lights that's filled to the brim with clumps of sweaty assholes? If you answered with anything other than: "Nothing! that sounds terrible," you are officially psychotic.

But hey, let's play fair here. Maybe I'm simply not hip enough to understand the appeal of dance parties. Perhaps, in some way, my nerdy nature has caused me to dislike all things deemed "cool." So that being said, let's see what sorts of things other, less nerdy people, love about dance parties.

The following is a series of "tips" on how to get the most out of a dance party. This article was written on a wiki and was edited by people with user names like "Rafabemerguy" and "Zareem," which both sound like dumb "rapster" names a couple of dumbass teenagers might give themselves; so I'd say we got a pretty reliable source here. Tell me oh mighty rapsters, how DO I have fun at a dance party?

-Have Fun! 

Well no shit. Here I was thinking that the only way to have fun was to try and NOT have fun, but you've certainly shown me the light, Mr. Awesome guy. But I still wonder: what other things BESIDES HAVING FUN must one do to have fun at a dance party?

-Dance for every dance even though your not good enough or don't know what to do.

This right here is the problem with society. People doing things regardless of whether or not they are actually talented. Why should I dance if I suck at it? Oh, and for the record: if "jumping up and down while waving your hands in the air" counts as dancing, then me vomiting on your new rug should count as abstract art.

-Get some of your friends and dance together.

 How does one dance "with" someone anyway? I mean when it comes to the classic ballroom stuff, it's clear that they're dancing with one another because they are literally holding hands and dancing in unison. But when it comes to the type of dancing people do at dance parties, dancing "together" seems to simply mean "dancing within roughly the same vicinity of one another," which is stupid because it always means that one of you or your idiot friends are bound to eventually swing one of your arms too wildly and smack someone in the face. Everything's better in groups, right? I suppose pain applies to that rule as well.

-Ask someone to dance when it is a slow song! You don't want to look like a loner/something else when everyone else is slow dancing.

I think whoever added this in to the wiki might have gotten "dance parties" confused with "school dances," because I can't remember the last time a dance party DJ started playing "Can you feel the love tonight."

-REMEMBER if you want to do anything embarrassing then get your friends and do it together so you all get embarrassed! (Not just one person.)

Once again, this goes along with the mentality that everything is done better in groups. "Hey guys! I have a totally awesome idea! Let's go hurl ourselves out a third story window! But for safety, let's do it together so we won't embarrass ourselves individually." The ironic thing about this tip is, if you and your friends are all at a dance party together in the first place, then congratulations, you're already embarrassing yourselves.

-If someone rejects you don't spaz or get mad just keep being happy and just continuing dancing with your friends and try to avoid that person for the rest of the party so you don't have to deal with them.

Yeah, 'cause that's how adults handle their problems, by avoiding them completely. This little tip is supposedly connected to the previous tip about making an idiot out of yourself, except this tip deals with the consequences of such an action. Maybe people wouldn't "reject" you so much if you weren't purposefully acting like an idiot the whole time. Also if the word "spaz" is still in your vocabulary after you've graduated from Middle School, you deserve to get a dictionary shoved up your nostrils.

-Don't worry but the guy/girl cause they might be your Boyfirend/Girlfriend

  

This is barely a coherent sentence, let alone a good tip about how to have fun at dance parties. I shouldn't worry about guys or girls because they might be my boyfriend or girlfriend? What the hell does that mean? If this is the kind of stuff people worry about at dance parties, I want no part in that shit. 

That is all I have to say on the subject for now. Check back here when I think of more things to rant about.